


Communication would be key

by SaphirGirl



Series: Communication would have been key [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: -in like one chapter, Alternate Universe - Human, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is a Good Friend, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Good Friend, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, Past Trans Pregnancy, Platonic Prinxiety - Freeform, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Transphobia, all the sides are sympathetic some are just stupid, but Platonic - Freeform, but still, but still a little bit off angst because I can, evtl future dukexiety, fluff/humor with shocking little angst, it will make sense, just best friends raising a child for 10+ years and pretending they definitely had sex at some point, like they are married and raise a kid, not as angsty as it could be, past Dukexiety, running away from the love of your life because of basic stupid, shit families, writing this cleared my skin watered my crops and cured my depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:02:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24344707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaphirGirl/pseuds/SaphirGirl
Summary: “How can you possibly be so irredeemably stupid? Seriously, have I gotten all of the braincells in this family or what happened?!”“Fuck off and go back to your perfect life! I'm sure your Husband and kid already miss you.”“For god’s sake! How can you not connect the dots?”“Maybe I'm just oh soooooo stupid that you have to tell me, Assface.”“You two had a one-night stand 12 years ago. The kid is 11. Do the math yourself! I'm sure you’re at least capable of that!”“..... What?”AKA: Miscommunication leads to a confusing family tree. Featuring: Remus the sad idiot, Virgil the angry idiot, Roman the best friend in the world who wouldn't trade this life for anything but is still angry, Janus the other best friend who is the sole reason that Remus isn't dead or in prison yet and various supporting characters
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Series: Communication would have been key [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757587
Comments: 60
Kudos: 206





	1. Lets start with the beginning (Past)

_....12 years ago...._

  
_“Virgil wait! Talk to me!”_

  
_“Fuck off Princey!”_

  
_“I will most certainly do no such thing! At least not until you talk to me”_

  
_“Why do you even care?! It's not your problem or any of your business”_

  
_“Au contraire my dear emo nightmare. YOU, my good sir, are my best friend and are momentarily in the middle of a crisis of unknows origin. That makes it my problem.”_

  
_“....”_

  
_“Please. I know this is hard for you and that you want to be tough and untouchable at all times but just... just let me be there for you. I promise on my honor that I won't think any less of you no matter what.”_

  
_“What honor?”_

  
_“Oh, very funny, but it's nice to know that whatever happened hasn’t taken away any of your questionable sense of humor.”_

  
_“Oh bite me.... You really want me to tell you? Like everything? I don't want to bother and this really isn't the type of thing to just go away or be easily resolved. This isn't a fairytale.”_

  
_“But of course it is! With a dashing prince and a brooding knightmare like ourselves as the protagonists, what else could it be? And you could never be a bother to me, you should know that by now. I know we didn't exactly have the best start in this friendship, what with you being such a downer at times, especially compared to me being the life of the party -”_

  
_“-More like me not being a reckless idiot, unlike certain other people in this room...”_

  
_“Shush! And it took us a while to get along, but I will always be there for you, if you need something. You are aware of that.... right?”_

  
_“.... Yes I know. Sorry, it's just...”_

  
_“No need for further apologies! I understand.”_

  
_“The feelings mutual, y'know? The... not judging and being there for you part...”_

  
_“My, Virgil! Keep talking like this and I might actually start thinking you like me! To hear such declarations from you warms my heart after it nearly froze over from-”_

  
_“Yeah yeah, you need attention to not spontaneously die. Now, do you want to know what bothers me or do you want to keep talking about yourself like the narcissistic moron we both know you actually aren't?”_

  
_“Apologies, do go on.”_

  
_“Ok.... I can do this, just need to get the nerve to bring out the words...”_

  
_“Take your time, just alert me if this takes longer than three yea-”_

  
_“I'M PREGNANT”_

  
_“-rs.... WHAT?! How? Where? When? Are you certain? How?”_

  
_“Wow, way to stay calm and collected Ro”_

  
_“Shut it Nightmare on Emostreet! I promised no judgement, not to stay calm. I'm not the Nerd!”_

  
_“Really? Emostreet and Nerd? That's the best you can come up with?”_

  
_“I'm emotionally compromised right now alright?? I was not expecting that!”_

  
_“What did you think? That I would be freaking out like this over a failed assignment? Cause a college rejected me?”_

  
_“Well, that wouldn't exactly be out of character for you now, would it?”_

  
_“Point taken.”_

  
_“But a baby! A real honest to god flipping sipping dipping baby!”_

  
_“Please just say fuck, this is so much worse.”_

  
_“I can't curse! You're pregnant! I can't curse in front of a baby!”_

  
_“First off, I curse way more than you do, secondly I'm like four months in that kid's not gonna hear you.”_

  
_“FOUR MONTHS!”_

  
_“I should have just talked to L. He would be calmer.”_

  
_“How would anyone remain calm with you being four months pregnant?! Oh gosh, I accidently pushed you in the hallway last week, are you ok?!”_

  
_“Fuck yes, I'm fine Princey. I'm not made out of fucking glass.”_

  
_“How long have you known? Is there anything you need? Do you need Patton? Do you want me to go get Patton? I'll go search for him right this instead, do not move! Except if you feel the need to, I do not want to cause you discomfort is there anything-”_

  
_“Relax. You are actually freaking out about something more than I do for once and that in itself is concerning. God, you are acting like a concerned father who just got the call to drive to the hospital. No, I don´t need anything, except for you to calm down at the moment and if I find out you told Patton, I will personally murder you.”_

  
_“You are right. I'm sorry, I should leave the worrying to the professional, it's just a surprise.”_

  
_“No, it's alright. I freaked at the start too. I've just known longer. Sorry or whatever.”_

  
_“Well of course I forgive you after such a heartfelt apology! But on the subject of fathers. Who is the other one?”_

  
_“Hm? What do you mean?”_

  
_“Don't act stupid Virgil. It doesn't suit you. You know exactly what I am talking about. You need two people to make a Baby.”_

  
_“Wow really paid attention in biology didn't you?”_

  
_“Virgil. Stop stalling. What does the other person have to say about this situation.”_

  
_“Nicely said.... He technically doesn't know.”_

  
_“Virgil! You haven't told him?”_

  
_“To be fair, I haven't really told anyone besides you at this point and even that only happened, because you are unbelievably annoying if you want to be and if you don't want to be. Or more like, all the time.”_

  
_“Don't think insulting me will redirect this conversation. That only works on non-life changing topics. But I am flattered to know you think so highly as to tell me first.”_

  
_“I just said that I only told you to shut you up.”_

  
_“Yes, because that worked so well didn't it? Now please tell me who the lucky gentleman is, so that I may determine if I should give him my congratulations or challenge him to a duel for your honor.”_

  
_“Pfff, as if and I would hardly call him a gentleman. More like the opposite of that. And you can't challenge him to shit just as I can't tell him. He left the city a while ago and won't answer the phone. I tried ok?”_

  
_“Ah, so a fiend it is. Trust me, I will find him and make him pay for his offences against you.”_

  
_“What offence? I literally just told you he doesn't know. Also, trust me that you don't want to know who it is.”_

  
_“Of course I want to know! How else am I supposed to track him down and bring him back here to help you in this time of need? That is, if you want to keep the Child?”_

  
_“Yeah, I'm not sure yet what I'll do. I mean, I'm seventeen how am I supposed to raise a kid? I'm still in school, I don't have a real job, no idea if my parents would support me, no partner and really, that may be for the best given who the dad is, no clue about kids, -”_

  
_“Do you want this child?”_

  
_“That’s really the least important thing right now! Who cares if I want it? My wants are the last priority right now over their needs!”_

  
_“It does matter! Virgil, if you want this kid then I will support you. So will your friends and I'm sure your parents too. They did in the past and they will continue to in the future.”_

  
_“What if they won't?”_

  
_“Then we will find a way together. Even though I'm most assured they will, they are good parents and always supported you in the past no matter if the problem where bullies or you coming out. Trust me I know bad parents, just look at mine, and yours are as far from that as you can get.”_

  
_“Thanks. I guess I really needed to hear that. Guess I over panicked again, huh?”_

  
_“For once, completely understandable. Now I am really curious. Who is the mysterious father? Do I know him?”_

  
_“Oh yes and you won't like it.”_

  
_“Oh, please how bad can it be? It's not Logan, is it?”_

  
_“What?! No, of course not, why would you think that? And really? That’s your worst-case scenario? Logan?”_

  
_“Just imagine a tiny mixture of the two of you running around and criticizing me! The horror! The terrible fashion sense!”_

  
_“You're a moron and I also said he left the city.”_

  
_“So, someone we both know who left town in the last four months and whom I dislike? Well the only two candidates for that would be Janus, who I know you hate, and my.... No. Please tell me you had a one-nighter with that snake after drinking too much.”_

  
_“Sad to disappoint, but guess you're more involved than I said. Congrats on becoming an uncle, Ro.”_


	2. Entering the Scene and meeting the other Participants (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Janus decide to visit their hometown and meet some new and old faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> watch me playing hot potato with the pov cause I have no idea what I´m doing.  
> Warning for Remus being generally Remus

“-and that is the story as to why I don't have fingerprints anymore! And the last time I had a Capri Sun.”

“As interesting as that is, sir, I still can't give you that for free.” You could see the will to live slowly leave the underpaid employees’ eye's as he had been listening to this crazy man rambling on for the last twenty minutes while said man's friend went off to do god knows what.

Remus started again “But just think of what I just told you! You really listened to all of that and still think that-” Remus was suddenly interrupted by the smooth voice of his best, some might call it only, friend cutting in.

“I'm terribly sorry. It seems I forgot my friend back here.” The employee took the interruption as an opportunity to finally flee and go on break. Remus started pouting, “I was in the middle of something there!”

Janus rolled his eyes “Oh yes, I'm terribly sorry for stopping your thrilling retelling of one of your endless stories to some poor, underpaid employee that totally didn't look desperate for a way out of this conservation. How may I live with myself from this day forward?”

“Pfff, he was totally interested! As interested as that man in that bar last Friday, y'know, the one with the-”

Remus was once again interrupted. This time by a new, unknown voice. “Pops, Dad send me a text saying that you should, and I'm quoting, ‘Put those fucking disgusting coconut flakes back on the shelf and get the Cherry-pops, or, so god help me, I'm divorcing you to marry someone with working taste buds.’ End quote and, like, fyi, I'm totally on his side. Those flakes are f-ing gross.”

It took a few seconds for the two men to notice the tiny teenager staring at them expectantly. He didn't pay them too much mind, already back to texting someone and half hidden behind those gigantic aviators he was wearing. The kid looked up at them annoyed after they didn't react for a full minute. “Helloooo? Anyone there? Could at least answer, y'know.” That seemed to put them out of whatever trance they had been in to finally answer.

Janus tried to smooth things over before Remus could somehow traumatize the child by opening his mouth and saying something, anything. God, that man is a menace to society, which is the only reason that Janus hasn´t left him in some hotel to die. Yet. “I'm sorry, there seems to be some sort of misunderstanding. Neither of us has, at least to my knowledge, any children. So please, run along and try to find your caretaker or whoever brought you here.” That seemed to be the wrong thing, seeing as the kid now decided to bless him with a stare over the top of his sunglasses that showed how little he thought of him. Is this what Remus normally feels like?

“Um, bitch who the fuck are you? Did I talk to you or something? Can't remember and I'm pretty sure I should, seeing as that scar is pretty memorable. Now go away to mind your own business before I call security and tell them that some rando kept bothering me while I was trying to save my Pops marriage, 'kay?” Remus started laughing so hard at that he nearly fell into the canned soup tower next to him. He would have, if it hadn't been for a shell-shocked Janus catching him last second. It took a few seconds until Remus had regained the ability to breath enough to talk.

“Fuck, this kid is hilarious! Can we keep him? He seemingly already imprinted on me and I promise to take care of him! Please.”

“We talked about this already Remus. No kidnapping random people, no matter what age, off the street. Especially not in broad daylight or in a store with security cameras.”

“But DeeDee, come on! It would be fun! And we could use him to better scam restaurants.”

“No.”

“But-”

“NO”

“YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING FUN!”

“THAT IS BECAUSE YOUR IDEA OF FUN IS EITHER ILLEAGAL OR SOMETHING THAT COULD GET US KILLED!”

“Pfff, name one of my ideas that got out of hand!”

“The alligator that you wanted to tame in that swamp, that affair with both the mafia daughter and her husband, the burning of the bunny poster in that elementary school while yelling to the crying children to worship you as their new god, that one time you tried to put your-”

“Hey I said one thing, not everything!”

“Those weren't even the top five, I'll work my way up to those.”

They suddenly remembered again that they were in the middle of a supermarket, in front of a suddenly very disturbed looking boy. Great. Exactly what Janus wanted. Why did he even bother taking Remus anywhere? Bastard didn't even look sorry, just kept grinning like a sociopathic serial killer.

They were saved from having to explain themselves by a voice shouting from two aisles over. “Remy? Where are you?” The boy at least reacted to that, looking very relived. “Over here Pops!” Ah, yes Janus could understand the relief in realizing that one wasn't related to Remus. He was relived too, at least until the face matching the voice came into view. Well, at least now it made sense that, Remy?, thought Remus was his father. Because none other than Roman Kingsly stood there, staring at them in horror.

\------

You know that moment when time seems to freeze for a second before inevitable doom? That's how Roman felt, staring at his son next to his arch nemesis from high school and his terror of a twin brother. Dread. Complete and utter dread. He had half a mind to just turn around and act as if he hadn't seen them, but that would mean leaving his son with the wolves and he couldn't have that on his conscience. He was, after all, a hero!

Well that and he was sure that Virgil would find some new and innovative way to end his life without anyone knowing any better. He would probably even get pity and condolence cookies from Patton and smirk while eating them, while Roman would be worm food!

“Remy, do me a favor and go pay for the groceries while I have a grown-up talk.”

“Pops, I didn't know you had a brother.”

Remus decided that was as much silence as he could bear and choose to mess around a bit. “I'm not his brother! I am the original! Stay back Remy, my one and only son, while I rip this clone to pieces! Thousands and thousands of bloody, little-”

“Remus, enough! Remy, go wait by the car. I'll come soon.” It was always the better option to leave when Remus was nearby. He didn't need his son getting nightmares from prolonged exposure towards his brother. Remy, thankfully, decided not to argue a second time and to just leave. Roman had never before been this jealous of anybody ever before. It was quiet for all of one second after Remy’s departure before Remus talked again.

“So, Ro-Bro, what is that? We don't talk for one tiny little decade and you already have a son? And a husband too, even if not for long anymore if the threat of divorce is anything to go by. What's the matter, couldn't quite cut it in the bedroom? Claimed to have a headache a few times to often?”

Did he really have to end his sentence with that obnoxious eyebrow wiggle and these graphic gestures? He already missed the times of Remus being gone. “Why, Remus, I'm doing simply wonderful, thank you so much for asking. I don't know what you are talking about, but that truly is nothing new. It would quite honestly scare me to understand your thought process. Now, what are you doing here?”

“Is that any way to talk to your long-missed brother?”

“Missed would be a strong word, more like, I noticed your absence.” And kind of stole your life, but that was Remus own fault for not being there and his seeming inability to use a phone, write or visit in the last twelve years. Now it was too late. No way was he giving Remus the second spot as Remy's dad! He had earned that with blood, tears and nearly getting his hand broken in the hospital by Virgil. HE had signed the birth certificate after all.” Would you now kindly tell me what you are doing here?”

“Can't it just be that me and double D here are missing our hometown? Maybe catching up a little?” Oh yes. Janus. Another noticed absence. He nearly managed to ignore him. He thankfully chose to remain silent for the moment.

“Excuse me if I find the idea of a visit from the both of you a little odd. Considering the fact that you ignored doing so for twelve years, missing a lot of big events. Like father's funeral for example.”

“And? Not like he ever came to any of my big events either, so I'd call us even. And we can still catch up! Like when you let us crash on your couch so we don't have to bother our poor, old mother.” Yikes. Even he felt a little bad for Remus for having to stay with that old hag.

“As much as I pity you for having to resort to such lows, I simply can't. I don't think my husband would much appreciate your company and you already managed to traumatizes my son enough as it is. Considering our history, this is probably for the best.” Not to mention Virgil's reaction. He would be grumpy enough as it is with them back in town, but in their home? Roman would be lucky if he was at the end able to provide his friend with an alibi.

Remus looked like he wanted nothing more then to argue more but Janus managed to cut in just in time. “Oh, completely understandable Roman. We truly wouldn't want to bother, now would we? But we should definitely at least have dinner together during our stay. Would you think that your mother would be opposed towards a family dinner? Then we both would have the opportunity to meet your lovely spouse and talk to your son, Remy was it?, in a more civil manner.”

Urgh every time he thought that snake had a nice idea for once, he had to go and bring Roman into a worse situation. Dinner with Remus and Janus in one room? A sure guarantee for a bad time. Add Virgil and Remy? Might just call the police right away. But add his mother? Natural catastrophe, better call the coroner beforehand and plan your funeral yourself. Even just the thought of getting Virgil to take one step into that house and face the dragon witch that he called his mother again seemed frightening beyond belief. Not that he could blame Virgil after what happened last time...

“Great idea! After all, if I have to spend time with that controlling, narcissistic, homophobic trump voter of a birth giver again, then why not bring you along for the ride?” Remus was officially the worst brother in the history of mankind. What had Roman done to deserve someone like this? With Remus in on the idea there was no way that their mother wouldn't hear of this plan and would be delighted. Of course, if mother saw this opportunity, there was nothing he could do but pray to the universe for as little pain as possible during that ordeal.

“Marvelous... I'll be on my way now. My son is waiting for me.” Maybe Virgil would react better if Roman brought him some of those Cherry-pops he liked so much as a peace offering?


	3. Mom? Dad? Gotta tell you something (Past)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Telling your parents that you´re five months pregnant with no father in sight should be easy enough. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m probably gonna be switching the time in every chapter from the past (12 years ago) to the present day.

_“Do I really have to tell them? I mean, they haven’t noticed yet, why not just wait until they do?” Was Virgil nervous to tell his parents that he was pregnant? What would give you that idea? It’s not like he had a deep and ever-present fear of disappointing them and of them noticing how much of a screw up he actually was. No sir. No clue what you are talking about._

_“Really Surly Temple? Is that even a question? It is but a miracle that they haven’t already noticed. You are truly lucky that those baggy clothes hide your figure as well as they do, given the fact that you are nearing the fifth month!” Roman is waving his arms around in an exaggerated manner that sums up his personality pretty well. Useless and over the top. Alright, stop. That’s not true. Don’t let your frustration and panic out on Princey, Virgil. It’s gonna be ok. He is just trying to help in his optimistic, foolheartedly, moronic way._

_“I’m just saying. Isn’t there any other way to tell them? I really don’t wanna be in the same room as them when they realize, what a mistake I am.”_

_“Hey, hey, hey, none of that down talking now! If you keep it up, I AM actually going to tell Patton, no matter what you threaten me with! A true prince knows no fear, when his loved ones are in peril! And what other way would there be? Do you want to send them a messenger falcon?”_

_“Wow Princey, an actually good idea for once from you. I’m surprised.”_

_“Why thank you! I do have my good days. But I don’t know where you want acquire a falcon from, a trained one at that. I might be able to find one but, there is a time limit we have to think about and-”_

_“Oh god no. I don’t mean the falcon, that’s a stupid ass idea if I ever heard one-”_

_“Hey! I’ll have you know it would be a brilliant idea if we had the time!”_

_“-But the general idea behind it isn’t actually half bad. I’ll just call them. That way I don’t have to see their disappointment AND they get the news in a time sensible manner. Problem solved.“ Why is Roman staring so dubiously at him? It’s the best possible solution! Pfff whatever, Roman is not the best one for realistic solutions to real world problems. Latest example? Messenger Falcons._

_“Virgil are you certain that that is the best solution? I was mostly joking. I don’t actually think that-”_

_“Too late, already calling.”_

_“Wait what?! I really think that-”_

_“schht it stopped ringing!”_

_Alright, so maybe this wasn’t the best idea and he could already feel his nerves building and the dread and his worry’s overtaking him and he really shouldn’t-_

_“Hello?”_

_“I’M PREGNANT”_

_“WHAT?!” beep, beep, beep_

_“... Did you just tell your dad that you are pregnant before hanging up?”_

_“NO!... I told my mom and then hung up.” Oh god they were gonna kill him for real this time. This wasn’t like the time he kicked his asshole teacher in the shin for calling him a ‘pretty girl’ or the time they had to get him from the police station for vandalism because off a fucking bet. This time they-_

_“Fuck! What do I do?!”_

_“Why? What is happening?”_

_“They are calling back!”_

_“Pick up!”_

_“Fine!” Accept call “Yes?”_

_“Virgil?” Fuck. This time it was his dad._

_“Yeeees?”_

_“Did you just call your mother to tell her that you are pregnant?”_

_“...Yeeees?”_

_“... Why would you do that?”_

_“Because I kind of, technically, am?”_

_“... You are pregnant? And thought the best way to tell us would be over the phone?” Muffled voices could be heard in the background. Was his mom crying? Please don’t let his mom be crying._

_“Well I wanted to tell you in person! But then I got nervous and I didn’t want you to freak out and then I freaked out cause I wanted to tell you and not show you cause you would have seen and then Roman suggested messenger falcon and I thought-”_

_“Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean with show us? How far along are you exactly?”_

_“... Five months?” Well there was a pause. But then again, after such a confession and general background noise in the beginning that wasn’t exactly comforting. Virgil was just exchanging a glance with Roman, who had shuffled closer in order to press his ear against the phone and hear everything better when-_

_“FIVE MONTHS?!” Aaaaannd there was the shouting again. It was so loud that both of them had to get away from the phone. Wow, that was probably the first time that he had heard his dad be louder than his mom. That was creepy._

_“... What is Roman doing there exactly? How far is he involved? Give him the phone... please.” Another nervous glance. Wow Roman looked like he was just short of passing out._

_“Dad I don’t think-”, “NOW!” And that’s how the phone landed by Roman who looked simultaneously utterly betrayed and petrified. Thank god he did end up speaking._

_“Yes, sir?”_

_“Roman. How long have you known about this?”_

_“...” beep, beep, beep._

_“... Did you just hang up on my dad?”_

_“I panicked ok?!” ring, ring._

_“take it!”, “Fuck no! You take it!”, “They are your parents!”, “They wanted to talk to you!”, “Your baby!”, “YOU wanted to support me! Go on, be supportive!”, “I can hardly support you from beyond the grave, now can I?!”_

_It just so happened that one of them, during the process of tossing the phone between them like a ticking time bomb, accidently pressed the button to take the call. Fortunately for Virgil, it was at the time that Roman had the phone so he could scoot away as far away as possible while being death glared at by his best friend. Whatever. Roman was just jealous that Virgil was safe and he was about to be annihilated._

_“Hello sir. Yes, this is Roman again. Yes, I am with your son currently. Hmhm... yeah, he is alright. I know sir. No, it’s not.... I understand, but he is alright. No, I haven’t known for that long either... I will tell him. Goodbye, sir.” With that the call seemingly disconnected, leaving only him and a shocked Roman behind._

_“What did they say?”_

_“That you are a coward for making your poor, defenseless hero of a friend do this difficult task and that alone should guarantee me a position as godfather. As well as your nightmare before Christmas posters and Coffee for the rest of eternity.” Fucking dramatic bitch._

_“Sure, and also a date with your own personal prince Charming, right? What did they actually say?” Another dramatic Roman sigh. Drama queen. Ok fine maybe he had a reason to complain about this time, but he would hold this incident under his nose anyway for the rest of eternity so why give him the satisfaction now?_

_“They wanted to know if you were alright and for you to call them or, preferably go home and have this talk face to face. They also want you to know that they love you and they will support you even if they are shocked. They also have quite some questions for you, but you should be alright.” That was... a lot more then what he was hoping for._

_“Thank you Princey.”_

_“No problem, friendo! But seriously, I want those posters. Your dad is quite scary when loud.”_

_“I’ll think about it.”_

_“Oh, come on!”_


	4. When Exes meet (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Janus just stop by a nice coffee shop on their way to visit Remus's dear dead dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again: Warning for Remus being generally Remus.  
> Have fun!

“Come on DeeDee! It will be a great bonding experience! We will grow closer as friends and-”

“Remus, at this point the only thing to bring us closer together would be to be Siamese twins. And before you say something, no. I do not wish to be connected to any piece of your anatomy.” He pouted at that. How dare Janus interrupt his creative flow before he even said anything?! He had loads of brilliant ideas that were being unjustly ignored and pushed aside! He would give Dee a piece of mind right after he-

“Oooh looky looky Snakey! A new coffee shop has decided to graced this waste of a planet!”

“Oh, great. Because we definitely need another waste producing addiction shop, that does nothing but sell overpriced pastries and shitty coffee, all while treating their employees like replaceable, human cattle.”

“Yeah, yeah you hate capitalism and all it entails, cause it’s an unfair system that fucks the poor over without any prep, but we should definitely check this shop out! I need a little fuel before pissing on my father’s grave and coffee just runs through like blood out of a slit throat.”

“Didn’t we talk about your more... graphic metaphors? And do you really still want to get through with this truly _marvelous_ new idea of yours. Don’t get me wrong, I just _love_ bailing you out of jail for public indecency, but there could be a better use of your time than in a holding cell.” Now he was just teasing.

“Like what? Make kiss up to my family members that just love to brag with their, oh so perfect lives? Lay on the ground and think about all the what if’s and could have been’s in my life? Go on a murder spree and make the world a better place by killing of a bit of the scum of the earth before I get caught and put on the nice little massage chair that would end my life? Get crazy thinking about what _he_ might be doing right now and if he by now found someone so much better, _saner_ that-”

“Stop. You are beginning to spiral again. And your crying makes your make up look even more atrocious than it usually does.” He was crying? Huh, didn’t even notice. Whatever. Then the people in this town at least had something interesting to talk about for once in their miserable lives.

“Pfff, whatever. Can’t ruin perfection like this. Most people wish they looked half as good as me. Now come on! I need the most disgusting, sugary coffee that I can legally get for twelve dollars. I wanna see the look in that baristas face as he realizes that I’m not shitting them.” Huh, the shop doesn’t even look half bad. Sure, it had not nearly enough pictures of murder scenes but then again, most didn’t. But it had kinda the vibe of a horror movie right before the killer sprung out from behind the curtain to kill the hot girl. Neat!

“Juhuuu! Any employee here? I wanna stick my money down your throat, kinda have too much and need coffee!” Where even was the barista? There where a lot of pastries that looked truly horrible! They looked like right out of a Stephen King book. He loved them!

“Yeah, yeah, don’t freak out I was gone for like, five minutes getting the mini cakes out of the oven what do you-” The barista stopped in his steps. The very familiar barista. _Him._ Had he finally snapped and started seeing things like his mother prophesied since day one, or was that really Virgil Knight standing before him staring like he had seen a ghost?

\----

Fuck. No. I’m not dealing with any of their bullshit today. Just walk right back into the kitchen like you haven’t seen them, Virgil and they surely will-

“Woah hey Vee vee, can’t just walk out on old friends like that, can you?”- nearly fall over the counter in hopes of catching your sleeve to pull you back towards them to stop you from leaving them like they left you. Crap.

“Remus. Lying piece off shit. Why are you here and what do you want to leave again?”

“My, Virgil. Why so hostile? Shouldn’t you be happier to see your _dear old friends_ again after such a long time?” Fucking Janus. Why does he always have to make everyone seem like an unreasonable child that just disappointed their poor, old mother? Does it give him some sort of kick or something? How were they ever even friends?

“It’s nice to see you again Emo! Did you miss me? Cause I sure missed you in a lot of ways”- ew- “Even if you really were the last person, I ever expected to meet in this hell hole on earth! What gives?” Huh, time for a choice. Either avoid the topic and talk around the reason for my continued stay here and raise at least Janus’s suspicions, or tell the truth and probably let Remus into my life again to cause havoc and possibly break my heart. Again. Okay that’s not really a difficult decision. Do what I do best and avoid the issue for as long as humanly possible. If worst comes to worst, I will just fake my death and start anew in some other state. Maybe Oregon or New York. Roman and Remy sure would love to live in NY.

“What can I say? The town grew on me, like a fungus. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave it behind.” No way they were gonna buy that.

“Oh really? And here I thought I remembered that you hated this, what did you call it?, ‘the place where hopes and dreams come to die’?, more than anyone.” Aaaand I was right. Fucking Janus. Now how to get out of this?

“Like I said, it grew on me. A lot of things happened after you two left. Not that I would expect you to understand.”

“Oooh yeah already heard some of it! Did you know that some poor son of a bitch made the mistake of marrying my flat dick of a brother AND decided to get a kid together?! Like, who could be this stoned to say yes to that?!” Me. Not that I’m gonna be the one to tell you that.

“Yeah, I heard. Crazy. Then again, his husband is a pretty big asshole so I can’t really say who the victim is, in this case. Now tell me what you want to buy so I can make it and get you the hell out of my shop.” Why is Janus looking at me like that?

“Your shop? Wouldn’t have taken you as much of a baker or a social enough person to run a successful business.”

“Yeah, well, I’m full of surprises. So, tell me what the hell You want or get the hell out of here to bother someone else so I don’t have to see your faces anymore.”

“Careful there, Nightshade, keep talking like that and I might start to think that you are trying to avoid my company!” Is there some kind of rule in the universe preventing Remus from taking a hint and just getting on with his life and leaving people alone that, obviously, want nothing to do with him?

“Listen. I am tired, sleep deprived, cursed with a persistent headache for the last five days and in the middle of a conflict with my kid’s math’s teacher. So please, just tell me what you want and leave, so that I might get to calm down a little with as little new conflicts as possible.” Please just let them have mercy, for once!, and leave.

“You’ve got a kid/child?!” Wow. Didn’t know I could get any more annoyed than having to talk to one of them, but surprise! Both of them talking at once is even more annoying!

“Yes, I do. And I also have to close in five minutes to get him to a doctor’s appointment so please, just say what you want and then fuck off.” Please accept it, please, please, please, plea-

“Aww, but I was hoping to catch up with you more! Y’know, get all _cozy_ and talk about past regrets, getting closer on the couch until we’re practically on top of each other and I scoot down to-”

“Alright! We truly don’t want to keep you from your child. Especially not with an, oh so _important_ , appointment waiting. I believe we will be able to get a drink from any of the other three million coffee shops in this block. Have a very nice day. It was just _lovely_ to see you again, Virgil. ‘Till next time.” With that Janus just grabs Remus mid ramble and pulls him out of my shop. Remus of course, doesn’t stop speaking until he is way out of hearing distance. Better look up those flights to New York.


	5. Roman runs his mouth and either causes more problems or solves everything (Past)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil should really learn how to bring up important topics.

_“Do we actually have to do this? Like, can't we just send a text or something?” Virgil is answered with an unimpressed Roman stare. Well, so much for that._

_“Yes, because your parents reacted so incredibly well to being given the big news over the phone the last time you tried that.”_

_“Yeah I still think that had more to do with the news itself and less with the phone.” Another blank stare, geez how come Princey could be so melodramatic without any facial expressions?_

_“And I still say they would have reacted better, if you hadn't hung up on them. Twice-”_

_“-One of those times was your fault anyway-”_

_“-But the past is the past. We are going to tell our resident Puffball and Microsoft Nerd the news with as much pizzazz and glitter as it deserves and nothing will stop-”_

_“Hey guys! I brought cookies!”_

_“Aaaaahh run back to hell! foul demon we didn't summon you!”_

_Patton had apparently arrived behind them, while they were talking, or arguing, same difference. Even knowing Patton was coming couldn't quite prepare them. Virgil recovers first. “Fuck Pat, how the fuck are you so quiet while walking? Is that purpose or were you just raised by fucking ninjas?!”_

_The two scared ehrm surprised men could now see that not only Patton but Logan as well arrived. Patton was looking at them with his patented Patton disappointed dad stare. Was it because of Virgil cursing or because Roman raised a nearby tree branch as if he had wanted to slay them with it?_

_“Now, Virgil, you know what I think about that kind of language -” Of course that would be the issue, “-It's not good for the Baby!” It's as if Roman and Virgil had been hit by Patton. He could have said that he had joined a cult that needed yearly human sacrifices and they wouldn't have been as shocked. They made eye contact, how the fuck did he know. Logan also looked confused, “What baby are you talking about Patton?” Patton started smiling his sunshine smile that he always had when he made an especially good joke, “Me! I'm Baby!”_

_Roman felt his spirits coming back to him. Thank Disney, he is quite certain that Virgil would have made good on his earlier promise of murdering him, if he thought that he had told Patton. They could still do this right! Patton hadn't managed to steal the thunder of the confession, now he just had to get the banner up and... “Oh, thank god, I thought you meant this baby.” He looked over at a smirking Virgil who had taking to pointing at his, now quite obviously bigger, stomach while saying that._

_There was an absolute quiet for about thirty seconds before all hell broke loose. Roman and Patton started screaming at the same time._

_“Are you serious?! Do you have to do something like this every time? Couldn't you let me have this one thing? My one desire-”_

_“Oh my gosh kiddo! You're having a baby?! Oh my gosh, I'm so happy for you! Congratulations! Oh, I'm sooo excited! How far are you? Do you know the gender? Are you going to find out? Can I feel? DO you have a name alreadycanyoumakemeagodparent-”_

_Virgil was still grinning like the Cheshire cat and was just about to react, either to make fun of Roman or to give Patton a few answers, as he was distracted by Logan just... fainting and hitting the ground. “What the hell?”_

_They all surrounded Logan's unconscious body to stare down at him. Roman starts by pointing at him “Is he like, Gucci?”, “Oh gosh, does anyone know first aid?”, Virgil just sadly shakes his head,_

_“It's too late for that, Pat. He's dead. The only thing left to do is to drag his body further into the woods, dig a hole, say a few nice words and pretend we were never here.” Roman stops him before he can grab Logan's legs._

_“Are you serious? You just want us to drag our friend in need into the woods and go on our merry way? Turning quite dark here J.D.-Lightful.”, “Yeah, anyone got a shovel?” Roman stands up and goes to his parked car “I just might in my trunk. Give me a jiffy off a second.”_

_Patton stares at them increadously, “I'm surprised at the both of you! You would just bury Logan without any remorse?! Roman, I thought you were a brave hero, what would those Princes you look up to say right now?”_

_“Well, I don't know about any prince quotes, because quite frankly they get way to little dialog, but in the words of Lumiere from the marvelous Beauty and the Beast : ‘You don't have time to be timid. You must be bold, darling’, which would be the case here!”_

_Patton still looks unimpressed, “Now we both know that doesn't quite fit here! Virgil, what is your excuse?”_

_“Well it's basically baby's first murder, you really wanna see my kid go to prison for killing Logan? What kind of godfather are you?” Paton started squealing again “I'm the godfather?!”_

_“Only if you take his head.”, “Alright!”_

_“Really?!”_

_“Aaah, Zombie!” Roman and Patton started screaming again as the, allegedly, dead Logan opened his eyes and gave them all an unimpressed stare that told them just how disappointed he was._

_“Welcome back to the land of the living, Specs.” Virgil was the only seemingly unfaced one as he helped Logan of the ground._

_Logan still continued glaring at them even after he was on his feed again and had dusted himself off. “I am quite disappointed. In all of you for your behavior and I expect an apology and an explanation from each of you for your apparent willingness to leave me for dead and cover up the murder. Roman?”_

_“If I hadn’t offered my help to my friend in need, then Virgil would have taken it upon himself to cover up the crime and I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing two of my dearest, most precious friends in one day. One to the dead, the other to the legal system, that can be quite harsh on lgbt+ members. But, I do offer my deepest, most sincere apologies to you.”_

_“Hmm, still concerning but I will accept it. For now. Patton?”_

_“I’m so sorry Lolo! I know it was wrong and I tried to talk sense into them but then Virgil offered me to be the godfather and I didn’t want the kid to be imprisoned because of murder or separated from his family! I promise I won’t ever do it again!” Logan tried, he really, really tried to stay mad at Patton, especially since none of the things he said made any sense. But he felt the compelling need to forgive him while looking into his big brown eyes._

_“Apology accepted. What about you Virgil?”_

_“Dude, you passed out for less than two minutes upon a shock and you landed on moss. That can’t actually kill you. I knew you were alright, I just wanted to look if I could get the others to help me in case, I ever actually needed to hide a body. The panic also stopped Roman from making fun of you for shutting down like an overheated computer, so you’re welcome.”_

_There were a few seconds of silence as they were all processing Virgil’s words and realized what just happened. Logan awkwardly cleared his throat before continuing._

_“Alright, because of your, ehrm sound reasoning I have no choice but to forgive you. But I also wouldn’t expect a thank you from me for trying to find out if you could get the others to betray me like this, even if it, mayhaps, helped me in avoiding future embarrassment.”_

_They all started to relax once again upon Logan’s forgiveness. Just Roman seemed a tad agitated. “Are you seriously telling me that you forgive Virgil completely for orchestrating the whole thing, but I, a very innocent and barely involved party, get judged for my actions?!”_

_“Well the fact remains that Virgil did not, indeed, believe this all to be real and I am hoping that he would react differently upon a more serious occasion.”_

_Virgil started smirking “Baby’s first murder.” Patton looked at him worriedly “I thought this was baby’s first murder?”_

_“That was baby’s first failed murder. The real one is yet to come.” Virgil and Patton started to discuss the possibility of a scrapbook and started turning the other two out._

_Roman started pointing at him “That was far more concerning than me being willing to get a shovel!”_

_Logan quirked an eyebrow “Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh on you, you are under a lot of pressure as well, being the Child’s other father and having the instinctual need to protect your family.”_

_“See? That wasn’t so hard now was it? Me as the other fathe- wait what? We never said that I was the other parent! Did we?” Roman started panicking and looking worriedly at a, for now, blissfully unaware Virgil. Logan took this as his cue to explain his reasoning._

_“No, you are correct in you two not sharing the information with us, but it is an easy enough conclusion to reach, is it not? You were apparently the first person to hear of the pregnancy, as would make sense given your involvement. I also heard you two talking about passing important news to Virgil’s parents, which I would now presume to be in regard to the current topic. Your behavior in being overly protective of Virgil and the unborn child and seemingly hyper aware of his needs also fits. Not to mention the fact that you and him are undeniably close. I can see no other possible explanation for this other than the one I already told you about. Am I wrong?”_

_That... actually made a lot of sense. Roman himself would be willing to believe this to be a fact if he did not know the true identity of the father. A father that was, for now at least, unreachable and out of the picture. Virgil’s parents had been quite insistent in learning the identity because they, as liberal as they may be, still wanted Virgil to be married to the father of the child. This could solve a lot of their problems actually. It is not as if it would really change anything if people believed them to be a couple, they had always had a rather playful relationship that could be easily mistaken for romantic._

_He also told Virgil that he would support him, a promise he definitely planned on keeping. Claiming to be the father would make things in that regard easier, as people wouldn’t question his presence in the future and he would have more rights towards the child should something happen to Virgil._

_The solution sounded almost too perfect and obvious to be real and no one would ever even comment on the child not looking like him, given that it would resemble him greatly. People would probably assume it someday anyway. The only question was if Virgil was comfortable with this lie..._

_Logan was still patiently staring at him, awaiting an answer. Well, now or never. If Virgil didn’t agree then he could always tell Logan the truth later on and tell him that Roman was a pushy moron with no regards for boundaries._

_“No, you are of course not wrong. We just didn’t expect anyone to catch on this quickly.”_

_Logan seemed quite pleased with himself “Of course I am right. It was the most logical answer and quite obvious if I do say so myself.”_

_He looked over at Virgil. God please don’t freak out._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to thank the people who commented on this. You really motivated me to write this and honestly, made my day.


	6. Revelations and Death threats part one (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isn´t family fun? Dinner at mother's house where Remus finally meets his brothers Husband.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Trans- and Homophobia and Remus being Remus
> 
> Also sorry for the late update I didn't have an internet connection for the last few days and couldn't post anything.

“Where are they? They are already late and not even a call to reassure me that everything is fine? Or at least an apology for their tardiness? And here I thought that I had managed to teach at least Roman some manners!” And here you can see mother dearest scream and rant about her _oh so perfect son Roman_ being late for dinner! Ha! Seems like I’m not the bad twin anymore! Sure, I was only on time because I live here at the moment and Janus dragged me out kicking and screaming, but still!

“I’m sure they will be here any second now. The traffic is surely atrocious at the moment.” Here you can see Janus in his natural habitat doing what he does best. Lying to a stuck up, rich bitch.

“Oh please, I know exactly what happened. My darling son was on his way to visit me like he promised and ready to go on time, but his no-good gold digger of a _partner_ went out of the way again to enrage me. What in heaven’s sake have I done to deserve this treatment?” Ooh yeah, mom’s favorite topic! Shitting all over Roman’s mystery husband! Not that she would ever actually call him that. It’s always either his partner or that person or some other offensive term that even _I_ wouldn’t repeat! Anygay, he has to be someone I would get along with, just going by the fact hat he seems to share my goal to live to make that hag’s life difficult.

“Come on _mom_ , relax, we both know that Ro Ro doesn’t have enough of a spine to stand you up. He could be having some gruesome accident and bleeding out of various wounds while crying like a little baby and he still would try to get here on time until his lungs gave out!”

“Well, regardless of your unseemly way of speaking, you are right to assume that Roman is a good son. He wouldn’t just stand me up, no matter what that... _lovely partner_ of his has to say about it.” I was just about to open my mouth to retort some kind of comeback that was sure to leave her cringe back and be disgusted by her _failure_ of an unwanted byproduct by getting Roman, when the doorbell rang. Finally. This is the first time I ever caught Roman being late to something, but even then, he only managed to keep them waiting for twelve minutes. Mother, of course, stood up as slowly as someone of her status ought to and proceed to slowly walk towards the door as if she hadn’t been freaking out while waiting for him.

“Darling, finally. You have kept us waiting for long enough as it is. I do hope you have a reasonable explanation for your late arri... where are the others?” What others?

“I do apologize mother, but I got to have a little talk with you about certain, behaviors of yours before Remy or V agree to come inside. We wouldn’t want to have a repeat performance of the last time, would we?” God, could Roman sound like any more of an obedient little doll than he does? How did anyone ever manage to look at him, take a look at mother and decide they were willing to put up with all of this? I can understand mother’s theory on my bro’s hubby being a gold digger, cause I could see no other reason to agree to become part of this family than money, and even then it was a stretch.

“Yes, a repeat performance would be unfavorable. Your partner did not behave like someone of our class ought to.” Soooo, he didn’t act like a giant dick?

“You and I both know that this wasn’t his fault. Father more or less provoked it. I may not agree to his way of handling things but you two were going too far with your insults and that slap at least managed to shut the both of you up long enough to listen and be invited to our wedding.” What the fuck. Roman’s husband actually smacked some sense into father?! I love him already. No questions asked, I would be willing to give him everything I own if he could give me a video off the event.

“Roman! As honorable as it is to protect your family, do not dare to besmirch the memory of your father while doing so! He was a great man and I thought I taught you well enough as to not insult either your family or the dead!” “I am sorry mother...” Pussy. Can’t even stand up to a dead man or a mother that is just one heart attack short of joining him.

“Very well. Will you now get your _partner_ and Remy to come into the house? The food is already finished and we have been waiting for quite some time.”

“Yes mother. I will text Virgil right away and tell him that you _won’t make any degrading comments_ this time around.” Wait what? Virgil?! He can’t mean the Virgil that I’m thinking off, now can he?! Even Roman would know enough about boundaries as to not marry his brothers ex. Right?

.....

And there the doorbell rings again. Just open the door to realize that you were worried over nothing and see that a completely other person was meant other than-

“Hey there mother in law. You look old, any chance of you passing soon?” “ _Violet,_ so nice to see your lovely face again, any chance of you realizing that this phase of you mistakenly claiming to be a man is ridiculous and choosing to accept your fate soon?” “Go to hell.”

-other than the love of my life that I haven't seen, other than those five minutes in the coffee shop, in twelve years. Alright. This _is_ the same Virgil that I meant and now I have even more reason to murder my mother than before. And Roman too.


	7. Revelations and Death threats part two (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starts right after the last chapter.   
> In case it isn't obvious, this is from Janus's pov.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just Remus typical behavior

However, did Remus manage to convince me to visit this place again? We were perfectly fine in that penthouse that I won off of that stuck up oil tycoon but no, of course Remus would want to go back to this backwards place that is still firmly stuck in the fifties and filled with people who dislike us the moment things started working for us. For once.

And look what happened. We went from on top of the world right into the middle of a second-rate soap opera family drama.

Honestly what was I expecting from these people? I lowered my expectations for them to the bare minimum before even getting here and Virgil and Roman still somehow managed to take a shovel and dig deeper then even I could have predicted. Imbeciles.

Oh, and look at that, Remus seems as if he doesn’t know whether he wants to scream, throw something or murder half of the people in this room. Lovely. Hopefully it’s not the last option, blood stains are so bothersome to get rid of.

“Emo?”

“Hey Remus.... Surprise?” Wow, I almost forgot what a _charmer_ Virgil always was. At least some things don’t change. Remus remains rooted to the spot for a few seconds just staring at Virgil without saying anything, that’s a new thing, before turning to Roman and apparently finding his voice again. This will end _so well for everyone._

“Are you fucking kidding me asshole?! I swear to fucking Satan that I will murder you. No! that’s too nice for traitors like you! I will first torture you by hanging you upside down by your toes until they rip off under your miserable weight before-”

“Oh _please_! You have no room to talk! Virgil is not your property and you have no right to be angry at-”

“No right?! Are you so fucked in the head and self-centered that you really believe any of that vomit inducing bullshit you-”

“What the F is going on in here?”

Everything comes to a screeching halt once again as the, now more familiar voice, of Roman’s son, what was his name again?, rings out. Effectively cutting Remus and Roman of for the second time. Impressive. Or scary depending on the fact if anyone finds Virgil especially threatening while he looks murderous at the fact that his son just walked in on his ex-boyfriend threatening the boy’s father.

The twins apparently find that look very scary because they actually manage to be quiet for once. Huh, so Virgil does actually possess a useful skill. Who would have thought?

“Alright, that’s enough. I know this situation is fucked and that you two have a lot to yell at each other about but this house has more than enough rooms to do that in where Remy doesn’t have to hear it so go into one of them if you want to fucking murder each other so badly.” Parenthood apparently made Virgil able to finally stand up for himself effectively. Good for him. And a good way to remove himself from the narrative too.

“Virgil, I am sorry. We are done now and will be able to participate in this dinner as promised.” Does Roman really think anyone is going to buy that excuse? His mother looks like she is just short of the long-awaited heart attack while Remus is looking around for something heavy enough to strike Roman down with.

Virgil apparently doesn’t believe him either.

“Nice try, Princey. You and Remus will go somewhere, _outside of hearing range,_ and settle this enough to at least act civil for the rest of this forced nightmare of a family dinner. Understood?”

The twins mother looks as if she can’t decide between being outraged at Virgil for calling her out like that or fainting for the dramatic effect. She seemingly settles on doing neither and just looking haughty and judgingly through the room.

“Understood?”

“Yes, my dear. “, “Yes, Scarebear.”

“Good.”

With that the twins walk quietly away towards the end of the hallway before slamming the door. Muffled yelling can be heard. The dragon of this _delightful_ household takes a protesting Remy and drags him off into the dining room.

“Impressive how you handled this _unforeseeable_ Situation. Got any practice in this kind of thing?”

“Bite me _Deceit_. Let’s just eat and get this whole fiasco as fast over us as possible.”

“Not a fan of dinner with your family?”

“Yeah, no I like MY family just fine. It’s dinner with that woman that old _friends_ forced me to where I will get ridiculed and put down that I am not a fan of.” Ok, he has a point here.

“... To my defense, I was not aware that Roman’s mystery husband would be you, thought looking back it does make sense. Believe me when I tell you that I would never put anyone, especially you, into a situation like this.” Virgil looks skeptical for a few seconds without saying anything. He can’t actually thing that I would ever put him or others even close to the vicinity of people who would not only openly misgender him in _front of his child_ but also make no secret out of their hatred for his very existence. Right?

“Yes, I know. Let’s just go in there before she, again, starts trying to convince Remy of living with her to get away from the ‘bad and morally corrupt influences’ that our household poses for him. She probably already started with the bribery.”

“I would be more surprised if she hasn’t started yet, knowing that woman. But then, Remy doesn’t seem too easily influenced, even by promises of action figures or whatever she offers to get him.” That actually gets a laugh out of Virgil and manages to relax him a little. Well, as far as he ever actually does.

“Nah, he sometimes plays along to get stuff from her without actually intending to follow through, but he is twelve, he doesn’t need a motorcycle yet or a new phone.”

“Can you really blame him? I know for a fact that both of us would have jumped such an opportunity. Remember that time your aunt was in town and wanted to get back at your parents for not inviting her to their Christmas party?”

“Oh yeah, she actually took us to the next mall, gave us her credit card and told us to go wild. My dad was pissed as hell.”

“Wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that we shamelessly used that opportunity to go to the nearest bank, get money and get tattoos now would it?”

That actually made both of us laugh. Huh, when was the last time that Virgil and I were in a room together without yelling or making passive aggressive quips at each other?


	8. Congratulations! You have now reached the Summary! (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Need I say more? AKA what happens with the twins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same warning as everytime.
> 
> Spoiler: I did nearly cry while writing this so have fun:)

The second Roman and I reach a room far enough away from the fucking _family gathering_ is the start of a fucking fight that will leave him to beg for that time I gave him a concussion because he ate my last fucking gingerbread man.

We enter the room and I immediately push my _darling brother_ against the nearest wall to give him a piece of mind.

“Now what the fuckin shit happened to make you such a dense motherfucker as to not even realize how much of a selfish prick you are?! There are billions upon billions of people on this planet that you could have tried to impress with your pathetic dick and Daddy dearest money. So. Why. Out. Of. Everyone. Virgil?!” I always knew that Roman is a narcissistic, self-absorbed asshole that can’t think about any topic for more than ten seconds if it doesn't involve him. Twenty if it’s about Disney or some other fairytale crap like that but this is different. He _knew_ how much the Emo meant to me. He had to have at least known so much about me.

And he still went out of his way to take the one fucking thing, the one damn person on this sorry excuse of a planet, that means the most to me for himself. Why? He didn’t even _like_ Virgie at the start. Even after they became friends it took a while for them to do much more then tolerate each other’s presence for the sake of their mutual other friends.

So how did _that_ turn into a fucking _marriage and kid?!_ Did they fall in love head over heels? Did Roman start something with Virgil to get back at me? Did my Aconitum fuck my twin to punish me for leaving? They have a kid that looks as if it’s at least eleven or twelve so they must have really started going at it _right after I left!_

“Answer me you fucking bootlicking Bitch!” At that Roman finally starts fighting back. Good. This is so much more fun if he reacts.

“I would if you maniac would get off of me! I can’t breathe with you crushing my windpipe!” Huh, I did start pushing my forearm against his neck, didn’t I? Didn’t even notice.

“Yeah? If you want me of so badly then do something!” But I do loosen my hold somewhat. Can’t really get an apology out of him if he’s unconscious. Janus did at least manage to teach me that. Roman suddenly pushes me away in a move I didn’t see coming ang I go crushing into the sofa. Finally! I wait for him to continue to attack me but the flat dick only massages his throat and glares at me. Fucking Bitch.

“Now could we possibly start talking _without_ the use of excessive violence? I would rather like to get this over with as fast as possible so that I may return to the dinner.”

“Why? Already starved of the constant positive attention you need to not turn into even more of a narcissistic, self-loathing mess than you already are? Or are you just desperate to go back to _Mommy_ so that she can coddle you and tell you that you are such a _darling_ , a literal _perfect angel_ sent to this planet to save it from foul mouthed demons like **_me?_** ”

“Oh, please. Don’t flatter yourself into thinking you are so high up on my list of perceived threats that I would stoop so low as to voluntarily go to that beast just to get rid of you.”

“As if you would need an excuse as to run of to Mommy like a good little boy who didn’t get his way.”

“The reason I want to get back out there as soon as possible is that I clearly remember the last time that Virgil and our mother were left alone together. It did not end pretty.”

“So what, you think Virgil can’t protect himself against some old hag that probably lived even before the dawn of mankind? I mean, yeah, she is the devil incantate but Vee Vee is more than able to handle himself. He is not some poor little damsel in distress like you probably made yourself believe!”

“Oh no I don’t doubt his ability to handle himself against others under normal circumstances, but you don’t know their history or what happened.”

“Yeah, cause I don’t know him at all compared to you, is that what you are trying to say?!”

“I did not, even if it is true.”

“Excuse you?! Just because you somehow managed to knock him up and tricked him into marrying you-”

“I’m sorry, TRICKED?!”

“Doesn’t mean you know him any better than I do!”

“No, that knowledge would probably come more from the fact that I, other than you, was here for the last _twelve years_! Where even were you?!”

“Gone.”

“Gone where?!”

“Just gone, why do you care so much anyway?!”

“Because you had responsibility’s here! People who waited for you! Do you have any idea how many times I tried to find you, to contact you?!”

“What for? To see your picture perfect life?! To come to that sperm donor’s funeral?!”

“How can you possibly be so irredeemably stupid? Seriously, have I gotten all of the braincells in this family or what happened?!”

“Fuck off and go back to your perfect life! I´m sure _your Husband_ and kid already miss you.”

“For god’s sake! How can you not connect the dots?”

“Maybe I´m just oh soooooo stupid that you have to tell me, Assface.”

“You two had a one-night stand 12 years ago. The kid is 11. Do the math yourself I´m sure you’re at least capable of that!”

“..... What?”

“What?...”

\------

Alright that second voice _definitely_ didn’t belong to Remus. We stare at each other for a few seconds longer before turning simultaneously around to the new voice like these creepy twins in horror movies. We turn only to come face to face with Remy. A heartbroken looking Remy. A Remy who looks like he might just starts crying any second now, something he hasn’t done outside of serious injuries since he was _five._

“Remy, I-”

“What did you mean with that?” How could I possibly answer him this question without making this whole impossibly terrible situation a million times worse?

“Pops? What did you mean with that? Why won’t you answer me?!” I want to answer him. More than anything else I just want to reassure him that this isn’t what it looks like, that everything is alright and not to worry about this absolute mess of relationships and secrets and misunderstandings inside this family. But that would be a lie now, wouldn’t it be? And I can’t exactly backtrack from a statement like that. So instead of lying to him, I do the worst thing I could possibly do in this situation right now.

I keep my mouth shut and say nothing.

That this decision is terrible was out of the question from the beginning, I wouldn’t even have needed to see Remy’s reaction to my new won silence.

“Why won’t you say something?! How can you just be quiet right now, you are NEVER silent, even when people desperately want you to be so WHY THE F CAN’T YOU TALK TO ME NOW?!” Remy is getting progressively louder trough his sentence, as though that would make his words any more intelligible with the way he is now crying.

I still can’t find the words to speak, but maybe he would feel better if I hugged him? It never worked with Virgil when he had panic attacks, but maybe Remy would appreciate the physical comfort? I try to take a step towards him, but the way he immediately jumps away from me does nothing but make my heart break into an uncountable amount of tiny pieces.

“Don’t touch me! None of you touch me until someone explains to me what the fuck is going on here!” None of us? For the first time since he entered the room I look away from my son and towards Remus. He apparently had an idea similar to mine but seemingly recoiled after Remy’s last statement.

I am still trying to find the right words when I hear the sound of heavy footsteps running towards this room. Thank god. Virgil is much better than me at handling conflicts like this, even if he claims not to be.

It takes less then ten seconds for him to throw open the door of father’s old study that Remus and I went into to solve our... differences not even fifteen minutes ago. Dear Disney. How could this whole tragedy happen in just fifteen measly minutes?

“What the hell is going on here?! We could hear you guys yelling- “We? Oh, it seems that snake also decided to grace us with his presence on this occasion. How does he always manage to appear in the worst moments of my life? He is like a harbinger of chaos, an omen of upcoming misery, a sign from the gods above that something terrible is about to happen soon”-even from inside this room, do you have no concept of an indoor voice you absolute moronic-” Here Virgil cuts himself off, apparently just now noticing our crying son to his left. He takes one second to analyse the room and tries to get a read on the situation.

What a sight we have to make. Remy in the corner looking miserable and smaller than I ever remember seeing him, Remus in front of him, looking ghostly pale and for the first time looking _completely_ out of his depth and me, just standing there in the middle of all this. Doing nothing but dumbly opening and closing my mouth like some kind of dying fish that was just pulled out of the water.

Virgil doesn’t waste much time on Remus or me after that and directly decides to take care of Remy like I hoped, no _knew_ he would.

“Alright Remy, take deep breaths. One after the other.”

“Dad, what, I don’t I I don’t-” Remy can’t seem to finish his sentence and when had he started crying so badly that he had trouble breathing properly?!

“I know Remy. It’s going to be alright; I promise. We will talk about whatever happened right after you calm down. Now, take a deep breath with me. Just copy me, can you do that for me?” Apparently, he can and starts mimicking Virgil’s over exaggerated breathing rhythm until he can do it on his own without looking like he is going to pass out any second now.

“Great, good job Rem. Do you want to talk about what happened now or do you need a break?” Virgil says all this while keeping a steady hand on Remy’s shoulder. When did he move over there? And when did Janus move next to Remus and start whispering in his ear?

“Dad?”, “Yes Rem?”, “Is, is Pops my father?”

THAT question manages to get the whole room deathly quiet. All eyes snap towards Virgil who looks like he was just slapped.

“What makes you ask that?”

“Well, I didn’t want to stay with _grandmother_ in the dining room, so I wanted to go look what this whole fight is all about. When I got in here Pops and Remus were yelling so loudly at each other that they didn’t even notice me coming in. Then pops said...”, “He said what?” Oh oh, Virgil’s tone just got much sharper, this is the tone of voice a man hears before he is getting brutally murdered.

“He said that Remus is an idiot for not noticing the obvious. That you two had a one-night stand twelve years ago and to do the math himself.”

Silence. Deathly silence overwhelms the room and fills it up until I can’t believe that there is still enough space for all five for us. Shouldn’t we get crushed with so little room, suffocate because all of the air suddenly left the room? Everyone is staring at Virgil with baited breath. I truly do not believe that I have seen Remus breathing for the last few seconds, or was it hours? It is so hard to tell at the moment because this feels like an eternity.

Finally, Virgil decides to speak.

“Go into the car Remy.” Wait, What?

“What? But you promised we would talk about-”

“We will. Later. Not here. Get into the car, I will be there in a few seconds.” Remy still hesitates, “ _Now Remy._ ” He almost runs into the door in his tries to reach it as fast as possible. Geez, Virgil really is scary when he has to be. Not that he actually ever really uses this tone towards the two of us. I really, definitely, royally screwed up by letting that information slip by. Virgil just keeps standing there, looking at the space where Remy just stood. Remus makes the impulsive decision to start speaking first.

“Scarebear?”, “Don’t.”, “But that was actually a really good question so-”, “ ** _DON’T_**.”

That shuts him up.

“As much as I would love to discuss this whole thing with you, I can’t. I have an emotional wrack of a child inside of my car right now. If you want information so badly just ask your brother, he seems more than happy to share them.” With that he starts walking towards the door. Without me.

“Virgil, wait!” He doesn’t stop, so I try to grab his sleeve. Big mistake. Rule number one? Never grab Virgil against his will. _Especially not_ after you just told your brother and you son some very personal secrets that you both swore to never tell anyone, ever without a very long talk with the other beforehand. And the only person who was ever supposed to know was Remy, after he turned eighteen and would be old enough to understand. Christ, not with _twelve_ , when he is technically still a child _._ Especially not like this.

“WHAT, Roman?!” And there goes my voice again. So much for bravery, but my family members have always been my greatest weakness. Virgil’s death stare would put the god Thanatos to shame and could make Aries jealous.

“You were, you were leaving without me. Don’t you think we should have this talk with Remy together?”

“I don’t know Roman, I thought that was the plan, but apparently we all decide thinks differently on our own now.” Point taken.

“I am sorry. It was in the heat of the moment, you know how I can get! I didn’t mean to have Remy hear this you have to believe me Virgil!” He at least seems to soften a bit after this, even if he is still filled with righteous fury that could burn a thousand suns.

“Yeah, I know. But Roman, I don’t think it would be a good idea for you and Remy to be in a small car together at the moment and even if it was an accident, it still had an effect on him. Me too.” The worst thing about this is that I know how right he is. I haven’t seen Remy like this ever before and even know his face is burned into my mind.

“I understand. Could you just, tell him how sorry I am and that no matter what, I still love him?” He softens even more at this.

“Of course, I will. I’ll call you in a few days ok? As soon as things calmed down somewhat and Remy and I talked this over. You know how he is, even if he wants his answers, he will only start this conversation when he’s ready. Don’t worry. I’ll make sure he knows that you love him.” At least a small weight begins to slowly lift from my chest.

“Thank you, my dark Knightmare.”

“Pfft, sure thing Prince Charming.”

And with these parting words he shakes my hand off and walks out of the door.

I continue to stand where he left me until I can’t even hear the car engine anymore.


	9. I write sins not tragedies / The Wedding (Past)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> V's and Ro's big day! A bit of fluff after the last few chapters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, my laptop broke and it took me a while to get it working again.

_“Nice dress, Princey.”_

_“Why, thank you! I have to admit, it was a bit more expensive than I wanted it to be but then I thought, it is my wedding day and I should not cut expenses on something so marvelous! You are looking quite dashing in your suit as well, my chemically imbalanced romance! The purple accents really compliment your hair and tone down your usual edginess! I would nearly say you-” Here Ro finally pauses and turns around as if he only now realizes that I’m standing right behind him. He looks pretty angry, like that time I told him that Disney is overrated and he threw his soda at me. Cute._

_“VIRGIL!”_

_“Yes, Ro?”_

_“What are you DOING here?!” Just the reaction I was waiting for. I stare at him with my best innocent expression, which isn’t all that good._

_“I’m complimenting you. Don’t you want me to?” He looks even more annoyed at that. Don’t smirk._

_“Of course, I want compliments, you know that very well you heathen. I meant what are you doing here. In my room. Mere minutes before our wedding.”_

_“Why shouldn’t I be here? Maybe I just can’t deal another second separated from my future husband.” Alright that’s it. Can’t stop smirking now but I think I’m still safe from revenge for teasing Roman as long as I don’t start laughing at his face. God. I should have brought a camera._

_“Please, I am well aware of the fact that I am irresistible but I thought that at least you had managed to escape my spell. So, is this your way of professing your undying love to me?” Ew, “Or is there another reason for you to break tradition and see me before the ceremony?”_

_“Didn’t know you were superstitious, Princey.”_

_“I’m an actor, of course I’m superstitious, Doctor Gloom. Now stop changing the subject!” Damn._

_“Fine. I just, I guess I just wanted to make sure you actually still wanted to do this whole thing, marrying me I mean.” There, it’s out now he has all the cards in his hands and can finally admit how he actually really wants an out of this situation I forced him into and how he is just a too good person that-_

_“Is this your twisted way of telling me that you don’t want to do this? Because as much as I love a good dramatic twist at the end, being left at the altar never really made it onto my bucket list.” Wait what?_

_“What?! NO!”_

_“Well thank the heavens for that because I would not have liked that option and am pretty sure that your brother would ritually sacrifice me or something like that. Why do you think that I suddenly wouldn’t want this anymore?” After learning that the wedding would, in fact, happen he just goes back to straightening his dress._

_“Well, it’s not exactly like this is your dream wedding.” Here he gives me a pointed look, “Ok, yeah. It is literary your dream wedding in which I let you plan every detail with the exception of my suit, but I’m not your dream groom. You’re a huge romantic Ro and I just don’t want you to resent me for taking that perfect life away from you that you deserve.” Here he even stands up and comes towards me. Great, I fucked up and now he actually changed his mind and-_

_“I am incredibly sorry Virgil; may you forgive me for my foolishness?” What?_

_“What?”_

_“I was so busy planning this wedding and enjoying our life as a family that I completely forgot how you have a tendency towards assuming the worst-case scenarios. I should have reassured you that I am still very much on board instead of assuming you knew how I felt. You know what people say about assuming.”_

_“It’s not your job to reassure me every five seconds and always hold my hand when I get worried over nothing.” Now he is grinning and taking my hand. Fucker._

_“Why, of course it is my little sour pot! Just like it is your job to bring me away from my fanciful dreams and into the harsh reality we life in. Or to just let me dream on and take double shifts to afford my dream wedding and make it a reality!” Great, now I’m blushing. Asshole making me feel things. That should be illegal._

_“You noticed that, huh?”_

_“I shamefully have to admit that I did not. Patton informed me of this a few days ago because he was both worried for your health and because he wanted to gush with me about how absolutely lovely and adorable that gesture is!” Of course, Patton spilled the beans. Couldn’t it have been Logan? I wouldn’t Feel guilty for getting back at Logan._

_“It was nothing and I bet half the reason that Patton came was because he wanted to aww over Remy like the mother-hen he is.”_

_“Of course, he did that too, who wouldn’t, Remy is after all the most handsome and adorable baby to ever exist! But it really was a very thoughtful gesture and I appreciate it a lot. Now to the reassuring part, I actually wanted to put this in my speech but whoever cares? I, Roman Kingsly, promise you, Virgil Knight, that I have not and never will regret this decision to marry you and to start a family with you. You and Remy are the lights of my life, the leading stars in my every performance and the best things to ever happen to me. You are my best friend and no other human, no matter their gender, could ever make me as happy as your presence does. I am a romantic, you are right in that, but I truly believe to have found my soulmate in you and that I would rather be in a platonic marriage with you, than a romantic one with even the most handsome of princes around! You make me more aware of my surroundings and give me the, sometimes, much needed connection to reality. You make me feel safe and strangely calm, as weird as you may find this seeing as you are practically anxiety personified, but the fact that you are always prepared for the worst and learned a lot of survival tricks in the process really makes me think that nothing bad can happen while you are vigilant around to do everything to make things better.” Nope. Totally not crying._

_“You’re a sap, Princey.” He suddenly grins and takes me bridal style into his arms, making me yelp and hold onto him for dear life. Asshole._

_“Yes, I am, now would you kindly tell me again what is going to happen once we go out there so that I don’t mess anything up?”_

_“I know you are just doing that to distract me from panicking. Now put me down.” He grins even more and starts spinning us slowly in a circle to the sound of some Disney song probably. Sap._

_“No and I totally have no idea what you mean. Please?”_

_“Urgh, fine. We are going in at the same time so you can absorb all the attention away from me like a plant the sunlight, then we will go up to the one not homophobic priest I found in the area, say our promises, exchange rings, kiss which ew and then go away to the after party with our friends and family. Afterwards we will spend one week at some beach with Remy and chill before coming back and doing everything like before with added tax benefits.”_

_“So romantic like you say it. Pity I am holding you or I would just start swooning. What about the others? What do they do?”_

_“You could always set me down-”_

_“Never!”_

_“Worth a try. Logan is my best man and Patton is yours, Remy is the ringbearer and held by my mom. He also wears those stupid aviators that you insisted on-”_

_“They are chic! High fashion!”_

_“He is four months old you moron. Whatever. Dad is sitting in the first row filming the whole thing while your parents are in the second row where Andy is sitting next to them to make sure they don’t say anything. If they do, they get thrown out. There, can you now let me down? We have to get moving.”_

_“Indeed, we do! Chop chop Hot Topic.” And he starts moving towards the door. Without setting me down._

_“Princey!”_

_“Yes, my dear?”_

_“Put me down!” He pretends to think for a second before starting to move again._

_“I don’t believe I will. I am, after all, quite superstitious and wouldn’t want anything bad to happen. I believe it would be far safer for the two of us to stay close together.” The fucker is smirking! So that’s his payback for breaking a stupid tradition? He takes the time to smile reassuringly down at me._

_“Do not worry. I will still get all of the attention in this breathtaking dress.” Fine, if worst comes to worst I can just get revenge later with the cake. He is just lucky that this position is oddly comfy._


	10. What’s this? Actual communication in my Fanfiction? Part 1 (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remy finally learns what is going on.

_Two days later_

I get distracted from throwing darts at a picture of my mother in law by a knock on the wall. I turn around to see Remy watching me with a conflicted expression, standing awkwardly in the doorway. I sign before putting the darts down. “Ready for that talk?”

The car ride after that Dinner disaster had been pretty awkward. For both of us. Remy apparently didn’t feel like questioning me anymore after I told him to get into the car and I had no idea how to actually start that conversation.

Roman probably would have, but I really didn’t feel like giving him a ride and Remy looked pretty relieved when he didn’t come out of the house with me. Neither of us had said so much as a word as we arrived home and we both went straight to our rooms as fast as physically possible. 

A nod is all the answer I get and really? That´s better then expected. I would have thought my drama queen of a son would explode and yell at me about secrets or make harsh side comments about honesty like he did two days ago.

On second thought, this is somehow a lot more concerning.

Then again, you don´t learn every day that the man you thought to be your father is actually your uncle and his weird twin brother, that appeared out of nowhere after nearly twelve years, is your actual dad and now jealous because he has the hots for your other dad... God even I’m getting a headache.

“This talk needs Coffee. Want some too?” Remy blinks confused,” You’re actually letting me have some? What about healthy living and me being too young, stunted growth and all that bullshit?” Now it’s my time to smirk,” Please, that’s Lo and Ro talking. Have you looked at my eating habits and coffee consume? I’m the last person who would care about that shit. Just so you know, I’ve been talking to Princey and trying to get him to lighten up a little. It’s a... work in progress.”, “Wow I would actually say that you’re now officially my favorite Dad but given the fact that I don’t even know anymore who I’m related to, I have to put a hold on that”

Did I really miss these comments? Well fair is fair. I kind of deserved this. I go on in the kitchen and start the coffee machine.

We sit at the table with our drinks avoiding eye contact. Remy starts “Alright Dad, like I get that this is a pretty shitty situation and believe me I would tots prefer to do anything else right now and I am pretty pissed, but the prob is that I don’t know who to be angry with. You? Pop? Can I keep calling him that or should I start calling him uncle Roman? What about the mustache man? Did everyone except me know about this?”

Oh god Remy looked pretty close to crying. Again. Red alert, damn Virgil your son is crying, fix it!

“Wow, wow, wow Remy calm down! You’re stressing yourself out and your breathing is going kinda fast. Come here.” I open my arms and Remy is in my hug in record speed. Coffee still in hand. Damn he really worked himself up.

“I’m sorry. This whole situation is Roman’s and my fault. We actually wanted to talk to you about this, but only when you were older and not in this way. Just so you know, I am going to actually murder him for this.”, “Can I help?”

That got us both laughing. Success! “Hm nah you already almost killed Logan, wouldn’t look good in court. You can give me an alibi though. No one knew. Including Remus. Ro and I made the decision to claim him as your dad because it seemed like the right one at the time. Everyone was on my back about the identity of your dad and I couldn’t say Remus. He had left the town with a friend before I even knew of you and I couldn’t reach him. So Roman stepped up. He helped me with everything, he had been my best friend for years at that time and I heavily leaned on him. And you can call him whatever you want. Just know that he loves you so much and the whole fight with his brother was because he is scared. We didn’t expect Remus, no one ever does and his appearance threw us all out of the loop.”

Remy took a few minutes to take it all in before talking again, “Y'know? A lot of things actually make more sense now. Like you and Pops having separate rooms and generally not being all lovey dovey all the time even with him being like, drama and romance incinerate.”

“Oh yeah trust me, if he had ever started down that road, then I would have filed for a divorce before he could even ask me out. But I like our life how it is and it’s... nice. Being married to my best friend without all that romance crap. Takes out a lot of pressure.”

“It was his idea to pretend to be in love and all that shit, right?”

“Oh yeah totally. You think I would come up with something like this?”

“Moron.”

“Yup.”

The cute family bonding moment about making fun of Roman is rudely interrupted by someone repeatedly ringing the doorbell to the beat of... Barbie Girl? Oh no.

Remy is up before I have a chance to react and opens the door. With Remus manic grin on the other side staring down at him. “Well hiiiii there short -”

“Nope not dealing with any more of this on fire garbage truck that is this family history today. No ma’am.” And throws the door closed in Remus’s face. God, I love my son so much.

Just bad that that means that I will have to be the one to deal with Remus now because I just know that he will actually live in my front yard until I talk to him. Stubborn Bastard.


	11. What’s this? Actual communication in my Fanfiction? Part 2 (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virge and Remus actually talk in this one! With each other! And only one tent will get broken (disclaimer: no actual tent was broken in the making of this fic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Normal warnings, kinda angsty/sad and one line mentioning dysphoria but nothing else I can think of....
> 
> Have fun with this last chapter:)

“Pfff, rude.” Here I am, acting like a stupid gentleman for once respecting _boundaries_ and _personal space_ , ringing the doorbell instead of just climbing in through the open second story window like I planned and this is the thanks I get? A door into my face? This is why I never listen to stupid social norms; nothing gets done that way!

I start walking back towards the car where Janus is waiting for me.

“I take it the conversation went splendid. Given the door in your face it seems that Virgil is just _thrilled_ that you decided to show up unannounced.” Stupid, posh, smug Janus. As if his way of passive aggressive comments gets him anywhere except into the middle of a bar fight that I will have to finish for the wuss!

“I’ll have you know that it wasn’t the emo who threw me out! It was the pipsqueak that heard my call!”

“Oh right, your infamous maybe son, nearly forgot about him in favor of your brother moping around the house and you breaking the furniture.” Yeah, for someone who claims to have a _large and loyal net of friends and social contacts_ Roman really seems to be more than happy to just stay at the house of the wicked bitch of the west with people he apparently hates. Just waiting around for Virgie to come over and get him like some abandoned dog. Pathetic.

“Yeah Ro-Bro really can’t take a hint. Anygay, plan A failed so over to plan B!”

“Please tell me plan B does not involve the police, there is still a warrant out for you and I don’t believe that anyone besides me would be too willing to come visit you in jail at the moment.”

“Pfff, these blue bastards haven’t managed to catch me yet, doubt they will soon but no! They have to leave the house sometime to get food or kill for sports or go to school or some other shit like that! Sooo-” Here I get the packet out that I brought over in the trunk, “I’ll just wait them out like rats and talk when one of them leaves the house!”

“Tell me that you haven’t brought some kind of poison or fire hazard to smoke them out.” He doesn’t even look surprise anymore, just tired and like he regrets his life decisions. Boring! That’s how he always looks!

“That you would think so low of me! I’m insulted! You should be happy I like you and that I need you for food or I would have you hanged for something like that! Poison and fire aren’t part of anything until at least plan H!”

“Of course, how terribly rude of me. Please forgive me for this oh so unjust accusation. How may I ever live with myself now? So, what’s in the bag?”

“A tent!”

“What?”

“I’m gonna camp in their front yard until the spiderling comes out to kick me out! Then I will talk to him before he can barricade himself away again!”

“A truly marvelous plan, but do tell, do you have any idea how to build a tent?”

“Nope! But I’m sure I’ll manage. I have _experience_ with _hard things_ , if you know what I mean.”

“Charming. Well, I have seen you flounder enough times as it is at this point so I’ll take my leave. Call me if you need me to pick you up.”

“Yeah, yeah see you later double Dee!” I barely hear him get into the car and drive off, too busy trying to understand the manual for the tent. Is that Swedish? Whatever, I’ll wing it without it! How hard can it get?

\-----

One hour, that’s all the time I let myself get before confronting Remus who is making some sort of ruckus in my front yard. What the fuck is he even doing? With the way he is cursing and the sounds of tearing fabric it could be anything from fighting the racoon that lives in the garbage cans outside, that I may or may not feed when Roman isn’t looking because Tom Nook is a clever little bastard and protecting us from thieves better than any guard dog ever could, to building some kind of shrine out of his clothes.

Another yelp followed by a string of curses that make even me wince. Fine, time to get this over with and see what he is doing. Please don’t let him be naked, we don’t need another complaint from our neighbors.

I open the doors and get outside to get it over with only to see Remus doing... something. He still has his clothes on, thank fuck for that, but that still doesn’t explain whatever he is working on. Is that some sort of garbage collection? Is he trying to compete with Nook to see who can built the better garbage pile?

“What the fuck are you doing?” He snaps his attention towards me so fast that I get whiplash and is standing in front of me before I can get my bearings.

“Emo! Scarebear! Nightshade! My deadly li-”

“Stop. It’s ten in the goddamn morning Remus, what are you doing here? Or building there?” He nearly starts vibrating from excess energy. Is he on drugs? His pupils look normal enough, so just regular Remus energy.

“Weeeeeelll, we still have things to talk about and I’m not a pushover like Roman who will spent weeks, months, years waiting at mother bitches house for you to come get me ‘cause that woman is a nightmare but J-Anus doesn’t let me off her because it would look too suspicious so I decided to live here until we talk!” I need more coffee. Why didn’t I think of brewing more before starting this conversation?

“So that thing over there is supposed to be a... tent?” It doesn’t look like a tent, more like Remus drove with his car into a closet and piled the broken wooden pieces on top of a bunch of fabrics.

“Yep! Even have a manual, but no idea how to read it! I think it’s Swedish or some shit.” He gives me a pretty torn looking piece of paper.

“Remus that’s a manual for a washing machine.”

“That makes more sense! I knew those pieces weren’t in the bag-” Urgh. Now or never come on, stop stalling and start the conversation Virgil! Like a band aid! “-but what is metal supposed to do in a tent, y’know? So-”

“Wanna come inside and talk about the reason you’re here or continue building that weird thing?”

“Huh, tough choice. But let’s go inside before you remember how annoying I am and you barricade yourself in there again!” Damn, he knows me too well. We walk into the kitchen so I make myself some much needed coffee and some sugary monstrosity that Remus wants.

He flits around the kitchen and living room looking at this and that while I’m busy. Whatever, as long as he breaks nothing. I can actually get him to sit down on one of the bean bags while I go onto my space on top of the book shelf that I have for difficult discussions.

“Nice place you got, very _home-y_. Doesn’t look like the place for orgy’s though.”

“Dang, knew I forgot something when decorating.” We sit around watching each other for a few moments in a silent staring contest to see who would give in first.

“Soooo-” Hah! Winner! But now I have to start so maybe not so much, “Is that tiny gremlin that’s been running around causing chaos mine or Roman’s? He didn’t really _talk_ after you drove off.” I hope Princey isn’t too bad of. I’ll call him later.

“Yours. I didn’t fuck Roman.” He suddenly turns bitter.

“No, just married him.”

“Well at least _he_ stuck around.” What reason does Remus even have to be angry at me?! _He_ is the one who left in the middle of the night with just one short note left behind telling me that he and Janus made a break for it and that I should move on because he wasn’t sure if he would come back. Fucker even left his phone behind, how much more of a dick can you be?

“What, so it’s my fault now that you had to settle for Roman?”

“I didn’t _settle_ for anyone. Roman is my best friend who did everything in his power to help me during a pretty difficult time in my life. You know, teenage pregnancies are shitty enough without adding dysphoria into the mix. And let’s not forget my parents who at least wanted a second parent there next to me. What was I supposed to do according to you?! You were god fucking knows where without a way to reach you! Gone in the middle of the night with your _best friend_! _You_ left _me!_ And now you’re here, in my house, whining because I married the person who actually gave enough of a shit about me to not just abandon me?!”

There is a heavy silence after I’m finished and I just start realizing that I’ve started crying. Fuck. Remus just stares at me with in a look in his eyes that I can’t identify. Guilt? Heartbreak? Shame? Regret?... Love?

Not that that really matters anymore does it? He’ll probably be gone again next week after he grows _bored_ again once the drama settles.

He starts staring at the ground, apparently not willing to look me into the eyes anymore. Weak. He starts speaking in the quietest voice I ever heard from him.

“I’m sorry emo, really, I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t love you...”

“You have a really funny way of showing it.”

“Yeah... I can leave again if you want me to. Call Janus, get into a car and drive of somewhere where you never have to see my ugly mug again.”

“You’re not that ugly, though that mustache looks like a dead rat.” The joke falls kinda flat, “So you just want to do a repeat performance from twelve years ago? Seek the easy way out by getting Janus and leaving your problems behind?” Leaving me behind.

“NO! That’s not what I want! Virgie I would never leave you ever again if I have the choice! I’ve regretted not asking you to join us since we crossed the town line that night! I loved you, I still do! My stupid feelings for you are like some sort of mold, I can’t get rid of them...” What a romantic, comparing me to mold...

“Then why didn’t you ask me to come with you? You knew how much I hated this town back then.”

“I wanted to, so, so, so much! I wanted to ask you on that evening when I came over but then you started talking about the future and college and stuff like that and I didn’t want to be the one to keep you from that. You deserved better than me, what I could give you. You had hopes and dreams for the future and I couldn’t live with the thought that you would just chuck that down the garbage can for me.”

“Shouldn’t that have been my decision?”

“Yeah, I know I’m an asshole. And this way I just hurt you. I also managed to ruin your life without even being in it...”

“DON’T! You can moan and apologize all you want but if you say my son ruined my life one more time, I _will_ make you regret it.”

“Sorry! I didn’t mean it like _that,_ but I should have at least given you a way to keep in contact in case something like that happened.”

“Yeah, you should have.”

“I would have come back you know?”

“That doesn’t matter anymore.” He starts standing up, still not looking at me.

“Yeah... I’ll leave you alone. Sorry for coming back and making things so difficult for you again Virgie. You won’t have to see me again I-”

“Wait.” He pauses mid step and turns back to me.

“What?” He sounds pretty vulnerable and so fucking hopeful as if I held his entire world inside of my hand. I could absolutely crush him right now. Get revenge for him leaving me. Break him and hurt him even worse than he hurt me then. Irreparably.

All I’d have to say is that I never want to see him again, to leave and to never come back. He would do what I say and no one in this family or town would ever hear from him again.

A small, cruel and vindictive part of me tells me to do it.

Yeah, not listening to that part, fuck that thought. I don’t want him to leave.

“If you really want to make things up and if you mean what you said then stay. For good this time.” He won’t do it. He hates this town and the people in it too much. Doesn’t mean I don’t want him to. Why does he look so happy at that?

“You want me in your life again? For good?”

“I’m not saying that I’m taking you back or shit like that, but I didn’t want you to leave it then and I miss you. I’m also pretty sure that Rem is curious about you and wants to get to know you.” It’s as if I flipped a switch inside of him and he grows from depressedly sad to giddy.

“You want me to be a part of his life?”

“If he wants you to be. But if you say yes then you have to promise to stay this time. If you hurt my son by pulling a fucking disappearing act again then-” I can’t even finish my threat of coming doom for him should he hurt Remy because he literally sweeps me of my feet, holding me around the waist while twirling us in circles. Is dramatically picking people up a family trait?!

“You won’t regret it Emo! I’ll start looking for places nearby right after setting you down! Or I’ll sleep in Janus's car or get a new tent or whatever! Now that you said it you won’t get rid of me ever again, I swear! And should I ever hurt Remy baby then I’ll help you punishing me and coming up with ideas! You could skin me alive with a fork or stab me with a spoon. Oooh, or you could use that frame over there and-” I start blending his more graphic ways of torture out. Don’t really need any new nightmare fodder.

I’ll call Roman later today and tell him to come over so I can yell at him and then have a Disney marathon to cheer him up.

Things will be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it.  
> End of this first installment in this series, but not the last. There are still some loose ends to tie up after all like a sad prince to yell at some more before forgiving him or the fallout from some more people finding out what happened. I actually have some ideas for possible sequels or just one shots in this universe. Any preference on where to start?
> 
> 1\. An actual part two after this story about Remus trying to get his shit together and bond with his family (Remy, Virgil and (begrudgingly) Roman)  
> 2\. One shots of Roman and Virgil trying to raise Remy without anyone dying or being traumatized, set before Remus return.  
> 3\. One shots of Remus and Janus life before finding out Remus has a kid.
> 
> I also wanted to thank anyone who commented and read this thing until the end! You guys are really sweet and motivated me to keep writing and posting this fic instead of abandoning like I maybe would have otherwise.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work. Feel free to correct me. English isn't my first language so please be understanding.  
> I would prefer payment in kudos and comments ;)


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